


Whispering "I'm Sorry"

by wolfinred (clare_dragonfly)



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-17
Updated: 2011-03-17
Packaged: 2017-10-20 02:34:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/207843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clare_dragonfly/pseuds/wolfinred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JJ can keep herself under control until Spence starts ripping at her heartstrings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whispering "I'm Sorry"

**Author's Note:**

> My reaction to episode 6x18, "Lauren." As such, contains significant spoilers.

“JJ, what am I going to do?”

It’s the middle of the night, and the voice is rough with tears and panic, so between the sleep and the strangeness it takes her a while to recognize it. When she finally does it still doesn’t make any sense. “Spence? What time is it?” She squints at the clock by her bed, pushing her hair out of her face, but it refuses to come into focus.

“What? It’s... it’s like ten o’clock. God, I’m sorry, did I wake you? I’ll go--”

“No, it’s okay.” Of course. He doesn’t know she’s in Paris. Anyway, she’s used to being awake at strange hours, and the panic in Reid’s voice tugs at the same strings as Henry’s now-infrequent midnight wails. “What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Emily...” His whisper is cracked with pain. “JJ, I really don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Her gut twists with guilt. “Have you... have you talked to Hotch or Morgan?”

“I can’t talk to them about this. And when I tried to talk to Garcia she just started crying again. JJ, I’m in love with her. Was in love with her.”

That hits her like a blow to the chest and for a moment she can’t breathe, is afraid that she’s really going to start vomiting. How could she have missed this? She’s been away for too long. If only she’d been with the team, as she should have been, she would have been able to fix these problems before they became problems.

She sits up, swings her legs over the side of the hotel bed and pulls her hair back. This is what she’s good at, isn’t it? Talking to people. “Spence. I’m so sorry. Did you ever...?”

“No. I couldn’t. I tried but I... she was just a team member, she should have been just a team member.”

“There’s no such thing as ‘just’ a team member when you’re in the BAU.” JJ swallows past the lump in her throat.

“No, of course not, but... God, if only she’d told us... I knew she was hiding something. I tried to get her to open up. I told her a secret. But why wouldn’t she tell me? And now I’ll never get answers, she’s gone, and I can’t handle that, I can’t. I know it’s not logical, it’s objectively untrue to say I can’t live without her, because she’s dead and I’m still alive, but I know what that’s like now, and I don’t know what to do with this...”

“Spence,” she interrupts him as he’s about to continue babbling. The tears are running in earnest now and the guilt is like a physical pain, ripping her apart. “I’m in Paris.”

“What?” That’s derailed his brain enough that his voice clears a little. “What are you doing in Paris?”

“I was meeting Lauren Reynolds. And giving her a passport.”

“But that’s...”

“Classified.”

“JJ, you said...”

“Not over the phone, Spence.”

His voice goes high and accusatory. “How could you keep this from me? Am I the only one who didn’t know? Don’t you guys--”

“No,” she interrupts, knowing what he’s about to say, even though her guilt tells her she deserves this, deserves to be kept up all night by Spencer’s pain. “Just me and Hotch.”

“Hotch,” he spits like it’s a curse. He takes a deep, shaking breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you. I shouldn’t have told you.”

“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have kept secrets from you.”

“She’s going to get Doyle?”

“Yes.”

“And then she’s going to come back to us?”

JJ struggles with herself, but she can’t lie to him again, not even to relieve his pain. “I don’t know.”

There’s a pause so long she starts to wonder if the connection has been dropped, and then he finally just whispers, “Okay.”

“Spence, I’m sorry--” but there’s a click, and a dial tone, and then JJ is just sitting in the dark, whispering “I’m sorry” to no one but herself.


End file.
